My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
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her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”