@k_lli

My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.

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@TheAlexNevil

Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.

@envydatropic

*Plot Twist*

Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.

@GingerHotDish

Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.

Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?

@Desert_Musings

I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.

@thedayofthedot

there is nothing wrong with being nice, but there is something wrong with being nice to people.

@RodLacroix

God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.

Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!

God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.

Angel: Never mind, go ahead.

@krisv_723

Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.

@iLiveSilent

In Ancient Days, Newscasters Kept You Updated On The Latest News Happening Flat The World.