My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.

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Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.


*Plot Twist*

Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.


Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.

Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?


I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.


there is nothing wrong with being nice, but there is something wrong with being nice to people.


God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.

Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!

God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.

Angel: Never mind, go ahead.


Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.


In Ancient Days, Newscasters Kept You Updated On The Latest News Happening Flat The World.