My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
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When your teen is already bigger than you are…
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Basically.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Home #decor warning.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist