@muthr_goose

My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.

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@TheAlexP

Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?

@_Water_Baby

I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.

@TinaMav

I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!

@StinkyGr33n

I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”

@Marlebean

Me: 5, 4, 3..

Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”

Me: 2, 1, 0

Kid 1 {Scream crying}

Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”

Friend: “Oh.”

@Jandalize

Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.

@offbeatoliv

Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.

@benindaclub

My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them

@3KidsNoJoke

Biden: I locked him in the bathroom, run!

Obama: Joe! You can’t…Give me the keys! Joe!

Joe: WHEEEE!

#bidenmeme #Election2016