My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.

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Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?


I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.


I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!


I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.


Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”


Me: 5, 4, 3..

Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”

Me: 2, 1, 0

Kid 1 {Scream crying}

Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”

Friend: “Oh.”


Picture me naked.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.


Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.


My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them


Biden: I locked him in the bathroom, run!

Obama: Joe! You can’t…Give me the keys! Joe!


#bidenmeme #Election2016