My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
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God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone