@suzieQ0007

My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.

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@haleysfalling

[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings

@DanMentos

*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*

@rolldiggity

Throw a pizza down a manhole. Wait five minutes. Throw a grenade down. You just killed the Ninja Turtles.

@davidstassen

My mom likes to get to the airport three days before her flight.

@Fred_Delicious

“guns don’t kill people, guns CREATE people!”
*fires 10 newborn babies out of a bazooka*

@AndyAsAdjective

“How did your

*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*

favorite sports team do in their

*looks down again*

sporting contest today?”