My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
You Might Also Like
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”