Who called it baking and not making love
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
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[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Throw a pizza down a manhole. Wait five minutes. Throw a grenade down. You just killed the Ninja Turtles.
My mom likes to get to the airport three days before her flight.
“guns don’t kill people, guns CREATE people!”
*fires 10 newborn babies out of a bazooka*
When Girls Are On Their Period
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
German cartoonist Martin Perscheid
According to WebMD, this hairy thing on my chest is a cat