My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
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[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.