@solommb

My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.

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@juliussharpe

If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they’d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.

@YoungNobler

Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate

@AndrewNadeau0

{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.

@welfarehoe

Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?

@mollymcnearney

To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”

@Marlebean

Costume idea:

Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.

@MikeCanRant

My suit made entirely of Hello Kitty Bandaids did not help me much at my hospital interview. Apparently you have to go to medical school.