My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.

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If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they’d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.


Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate


{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.


Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?


To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”


Costume idea:

Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.


My suit made entirely of Hello Kitty Bandaids did not help me much at my hospital interview. Apparently you have to go to medical school.