[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
You Might Also Like
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.