@RobertManchild

My car is 13 years old.

I like how the ceiling fabric hangs down and makes it feel like a blanket fort.

You Might Also Like

@GlumGeorgeLucas

I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited

I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo

That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers

@qwertying

When used as directed, Axe Body Spray makes a good substitute for tear gas.

@haveigotnews

After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.

@philco816

*hands stranger a condom

S: I don’t need this

Me: Yes, you do. I saw the way you pulled out of your driveway. Your pull out game is weak

@MarfSalvador

[Looking at the vast night sky]

Her: What do you think about other life forms?

Him: Well *thoughtfully rubs chin* wallabies are shit

@MicheleAKALips

I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.

He’s Dead.

@Sanbel11

I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.

@danadonly

Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?

@AmishPornStar1

Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?

Just me?