I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
My car is 13 years old.
I like how the ceiling fabric hangs down and makes it feel like a blanket fort.
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When used as directed, Axe Body Spray makes a good substitute for tear gas.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
*hands stranger a condom
S: I don’t need this
Me: Yes, you do. I saw the way you pulled out of your driveway. Your pull out game is weak
[Looking at the vast night sky]
Her: What do you think about other life forms?
Him: Well *thoughtfully rubs chin* wallabies are shit
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?