“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
You Might Also Like
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*