My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
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Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family