A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
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ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.