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@Ygrene: [my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
@TheHyyyype: [criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor's entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
@online_rat: one time a girl told me she listens to "anything but country" so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
@AGStr8upNinja: If only people were named after their tattoo's.
This guy standing in front of me in Petro Canada Would be named Machine gun-Snake-Jesus.
@panmidwest: FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can't tell you
FRIEND: really? like it's top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
@FeelingMervis: I've started an elimination diet, It's where I eliminate anyone from my life who talks about their diet.