[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal

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If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.


Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?


🎶 You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I’m telling you why. Life gets worse when you’re an adult. 🎶


EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.


ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.

STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.


I didn’t post that copyright notice thing on my Facebook and I’ve already seen SIX of MY photos of me with my casseroles in BMW commercials


Ariel: “But I love him, daddy!”

*sobs as King Tritan rips her iPhone away and unfollows PrinceEric69*


The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.