@lovemydogduck

My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.

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@jaxwax04

Has anyone checked the math on the Mayan calendar to see if it was off by about 8 years?

@FredTaming

exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts

ceo: what’s the name

exec: duran duran duran

ceo: that’s way too many durans

exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir

ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans

exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir

@ABurgerADay

[Casting Meeting]

Director: Did we get Cruise?

Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.

Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?

@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?

ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.

@JustMeTurtle

I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”

Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*

@SirEviscerate

Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it

@kumailn

If Billy Joel wrote “We Didn’t Start the Fire” today, it would be 2 hours.

@Vodkantots

[to other patients in psychiatrist’s waiting room]

I’m not like you people. This is court mandated.