Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
You Might Also Like
Maybe if I answer the door naked the pizza delivery guy won’t realize I paid with Monopoly money.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..
send bail money!
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*