@lovemydogduck

My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.

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@Phook75

If Thomas Jefferson was alive today people would scream “What the hell? You’re almost 300 years old!”

@maebemarbles

*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN

@TheBoydP

I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.

@qwertying

Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to…

Husband: Do you mean with other people?

@Karate_Horse

OPRAH: ok everyone reach under their seat!
ME: [i pull out a picture of the man next to me]
OPRAH:[brandishing a knife] now kill that person

@meganamram

“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll

@JediGigi

“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression

@TheScamJoanne

*two minor inconveniences happen at the same time*

me: *needs to lie down for 3 days*

@angeliav68

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..