If Thomas Jefferson was alive today people would scream “What the hell? You’re almost 300 years old!”
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
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*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to…
Husband: Do you mean with other people?
OPRAH: ok everyone reach under their seat!
ME: [i pull out a picture of the man next to me]
OPRAH:[brandishing a knife] now kill that person
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
*two minor inconveniences happen at the same time*
me: *needs to lie down for 3 days*
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..