My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.

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Maybe if I answer the door naked the pizza delivery guy won’t realize I paid with Monopoly money.


Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..


send bail money!


contortionist: what’s wrong?

proctologist: your head’s in the way


Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.


So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.


ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*

HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you

ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this


You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person


I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?

*plugs in Xmas lights*