My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
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I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
my mind
You just read my mind
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.