My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.

You Might Also Like


If Thomas Jefferson was alive today people would scream “What the hell? You’re almost 300 years old!”


*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*


I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.


Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to…

Husband: Do you mean with other people?


OPRAH: ok everyone reach under their seat!
ME: [i pull out a picture of the man next to me]
OPRAH:[brandishing a knife] now kill that person


“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll


“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression


*two minor inconveniences happen at the same time*

me: *needs to lie down for 3 days*


Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..