If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
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#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much