I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
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This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Breaking news:
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?