My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
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Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
my dog when i have a friend over
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip