My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
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My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Breaking news:
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.