My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
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My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more