@cravin4

My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory

You Might Also Like

@FirecrackerKatt

My profile: I am looking for a smart and kind man that is totally ok with the idea of me wanting a pet raccoon

Bumble: You have 0 messages today

@iwearaonesie

*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice

@stuckinaportal

[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”

politician: i don’t get it

@philco816

Feed your kids soup for dinner, so you can sit at the table for 47 minutes and listening to slurping.

@DennisFarrell

Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message

@wendchymes

Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.

@SketchesbyBoze

forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.

@animaldrumss

son, you don’t need to close your eyes, it’s just a movie. the killer from the movie can still get you even if you’re not watching it

@liv_thatsme

I’d tell my neighbor about the weird smell coming from her apartment, but she’s been so quiet that I don’t want to disturb her.