@cravin4

My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory

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@Sassafrantz

At 17, Joan of Arc led the French to victory and I just looked for my phone while talking on it.

@natechartier1

*creating garbage cans*
God: “That’s where trash goes”

*creating my twitter*
God: “That’s where trash comes from”

@dannynett

i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”

@TheAlexNevil

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.

@SamuelHLowe

– I’d like to make a reservation.
– Name?
– Matthew McConaughey.
– Can you spell that for me?
– No.

@chuuew

Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.

@Laser_Cat

All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.

@MrsMikePatton

New rule: You’re not allowed to be condescending unless you can spell it.

@Just__J0

A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.