My profile: I am looking for a smart and kind man that is totally ok with the idea of me wanting a pet raccoon
Bumble: You have 0 messages today
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
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*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
“there are some things that money can’t buy”
politician: i don’t get it
Feed your kids soup for dinner, so you can sit at the table for 47 minutes and listening to slurping.
I thought I had swag once, turned out it was just a mosquito bite.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
son, you don’t need to close your eyes, it’s just a movie. the killer from the movie can still get you even if you’re not watching it
I’d tell my neighbor about the weird smell coming from her apartment, but she’s been so quiet that I don’t want to disturb her.