My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
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Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Basketball games are very squeaky.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.