My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
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[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid