Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
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When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
My whole life was a lie.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love