@TheCatWhisprer

My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.

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@TheHyyyype

website: select a security question

me: ok

website: make of first car

me: nah

website: mother’s maiden name

me: nope

website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp

me: bingo

@david8hughes

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

@Nyx422

My son begged me not to wear my Poison shirt & spandex to get him on the bus again.

So I wore an adult onesie.

Guess I won this round.

@thats_a_morey

I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK

@skittle624

It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.

@jazmasta

*i get on a rollercoaster with my washing machine*
“Hold tight son…WAIT! If u are here then..”
*son is at home w/ a mouth full of laundry*

@sweet_pea707

HR: Do you know why I called you in here today?

Me: I have a boyfriend

HR: Ok, sorry to bother you