@TheCatWhisprer

My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.

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@Sassafrantz

Is there an easy way to leave a dance circle or do I have to die here?

@saaamscottt6

almost 22 years ago 2 people had sex and now i have to go to work everyday

@nickbilton

My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.

@alovablenerd

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

@pmann555

They say it’s not the destination, it’s the journey………Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with diarrhea…

@lmegordon

Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.

@Its_Miss_Riss

Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?

Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.

.

@MattarWendtar

That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.

@GrantTanaka

It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.

@Ivsy01

Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.