My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.

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Is there an easy way to leave a dance circle or do I have to die here?


almost 22 years ago 2 people had sex and now i have to go to work everyday


My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.


Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.


They say it’s not the destination, it’s the journey………Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with diarrhea…


Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.


Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?

Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.



That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.


It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.


Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.