My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
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I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
I like crazy people until they notice me
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.