My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.

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Me: *puts hands out*

Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?

Me: *blushing* guilty

Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME


[first guy to play an accordion]
i bet i could use this to get sharon to divorce me


Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….


Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: why, what have you heard?


Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?

Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.


You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac


America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.


Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You sonofa-