Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
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[first guy to play an accordion]
i bet i could use this to get sharon to divorce me
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-