MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
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Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
😩😩😩
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.