My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
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“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.