My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
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is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
2023 was just a warmup
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.