My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
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My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.