My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
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CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day