My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
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“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Good advice.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Art by Pastelkatto
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.