my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
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What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant