@PorkUrPine

my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking

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@RobDenBleyker

Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.

@infinitesimull

Please insert your card
Do not remove card
Do not remove card
Do not re–
REMOVE CARD NOW! REMOVE IT NOW! OH MY GOD ARE YOU CRAZY GET IT OU

@AmberTozer

Started a karate club for people who don’t know karate we just do moves we see in movies lemme know if you’re interested old ppl are welcome

@capnwatsisname

So: a needle pulling thread

Thread: a way to stack your tweets

Tweet: the thing I did instead

When they honked at me to go

@Ygrene

*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*

@louisvirtel

I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.

@drinksmcgee

Everything I know about raising a family, I learned from watching the Addams Family.

@LindaInDisguise

Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.