My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.

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It’s so frustrating when your hitman doesn’t answer the phone after you’ve made amends with someone


my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”


Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan


I once accidentally started a flash mob when I thought a spider might be on me.


Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant


All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside


*first date*

Her: I like bad boys

Me: Could you hang on a minute?

*Returns 20 minutes later just soaked in blood*

Me: Go on…


Allen: I’ll never talk

Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that


officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*


Just answered the door in my underpants. I said “Blimey, a talking door. What are you doing in my underpants?”