@mejustbeth

My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.

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@marcmack

I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.

@simoncholland

Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.

@ChrisHallbeck

Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”

@david8hughes

[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.

@KentWGraham

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

@fro_vo

FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*

@KaylaKumari

my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE

@Scdavis24

Guys, if you have to point your toes to put your pants on, those aren’t your pants. Give them back to your sister.

@thepaulasuzanne

[texting]

Me: I’m over IT.

Friend: Over what?

Me: You know…IT.

Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.

Me: IT as in Information Technology.

Friend: You CAN’T be over that.

[1 week later]

Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.