I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
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Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Guys, if you have to point your toes to put your pants on, those aren’t your pants. Give them back to your sister.
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.