“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
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normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse