My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
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ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I was just discussing this with my cat
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.