I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
My cat is rubbing herself all over me because she wants me to stroke her.
It’s like she’s a drunk version of me.
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The person behind Wendy’s Twitter account deserves a medal
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Rent boat. Go out to sea. Find sperm whale. Tell him he’s called sperm whale. Console sperm whale. Have fun with new whale best friend.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries