@Dash_of_Crazy

My cat is rubbing herself all over me because she wants me to stroke her.

It’s like she’s a drunk version of me.

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@WheelTod

I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill

@girlnarly

[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?

@JPHaddadio

When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.

@itchyturtle

Rent boat. Go out to sea. Find sperm whale. Tell him he’s called sperm whale. Console sperm whale. Have fun with new whale best friend.

@MichaelTrying

Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching

@ShortSleeveSuit

Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries