Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
You Might Also Like
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
dream blunt rotation