My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
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Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Me irl
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Personal question. #JustSaying
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit