My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
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“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?