My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
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I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
45% of divorces stem from $ issues.
45% are caused by infidelity.
The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.