My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
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Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
never deleting this app.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything