My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
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I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Eat…
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Meat Cute
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
mumsnet is amazing
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
If I ignore life will it go away?
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.