My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
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Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet