My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.

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[about to invent Spaghetti-Os]

chef boyardee: *eating canned dog food* this would be great if I add some salt


Do men prefer straight or curly hair? Need to know so I can tell my roommate the opposite and then try to steal her boyfriend.


Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?

Me: Why? What’ve you got?


Girl, you don’t even know how crazy I am about you….

I’m thinking about digging my mom up so she can meet you.


[texting my friend]

me: sorry I missed your party yesterday

friend: it’s today actually

me: read this again tomorrow then


When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.


Romantic comedies are just horror movies where people only die on the inside.

Also, my wife doesn’t let me pick movies for date night.


Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana


My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing


Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006