@_sweet_ham

My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.

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@suzannemariedo

[about to invent Spaghetti-Os]

chef boyardee: *eating canned dog food* this would be great if I add some salt

@NYC_Blonde

Do men prefer straight or curly hair? Need to know so I can tell my roommate the opposite and then try to steal her boyfriend.

@Dani_Feld

Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?

Me: Why? What’ve you got?

@MondayPajamas

Girl, you don’t even know how crazy I am about you….

I’m thinking about digging my mom up so she can meet you.

@TweetPotato314

[texting my friend]

me: sorry I missed your party yesterday

friend: it’s today actually

me: read this again tomorrow then

@DurtMcHurtt

When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.

@jergarl

Romantic comedies are just horror movies where people only die on the inside.

Also, my wife doesn’t let me pick movies for date night.

@robfee

Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana

@fluffysuse

My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing

@Kyle1092

Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006