I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
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Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down