I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
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Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
😂😂
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
can I use a minion as a tampon
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.