@_little_old_me

My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.

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@Quartzjixler

I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’

@TheBoydP

Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…

@AndrewChamings

me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat

friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony

@TheAndrewNadeau

[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.

@SortaBad

Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute

@Tups13

I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.

@starsnbars7

When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?

@Garblemarble

Alien: we are here to enslave you

Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?

Alien: I SAID..

Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it

@Darlainky

Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”