My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
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Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.