I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
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Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”