My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
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Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.