My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
You Might Also Like
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
I love you to the refrigerator and back
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
S M O L
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Nice try Hitler
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Print is alive and well!!!
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.