I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
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I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
The pasta is now
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it