Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
You Might Also Like
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Life cycle of cat
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
A Short Story.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂