My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
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[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
looks legit
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO