My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
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Breaking news:
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.